I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
