is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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