I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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