I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You're completely useless in the revolution.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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