why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
