i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
