Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
