I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
