"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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