I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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