Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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