I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
