Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
