He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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