Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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