College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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