How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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