Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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