I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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