I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
