she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
im six kinds of drunk right now
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize