just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
you never un-have a 4some
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
