even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
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I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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