allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
