I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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