oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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