bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
