Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
