I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
