He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
