Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
50% drunk capacity currently
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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