Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
