we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
