Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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