Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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