FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
