Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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