she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
