This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
