hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize