New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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