So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
