i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
