Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
