Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
