I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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