Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
