I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
