i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
