smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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