yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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