Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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