I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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