How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
