You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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