That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
