Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
