Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
