Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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