I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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