I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
